Thursday, November 4, 2010


Many times I have fantasized about what I would do if I won the Lottery.  I've decided to make my fantasy more realistic and wish for a magic wand instead.

I read all these books about princesses and I think these gals got the right idea.  It seems to me that life would be so much easier if I just had one of those damn wands.

I would start with the obvious.  World peace, feed the hungry, health for my friends and family. Cure Cancer, AIDS and such.  Then I would move closer to home and cure the common cold.

In my last entry I mentioned that 99% of what I do is clean up piss, shit and puke.  I need to retract that and make that 75% piss, shit and puke.  The other 24% is snot.  I have been so blessed to have two children that are otherwise healthy, but it seems like they constantly have a runny nose.  Unfortunately, for whatever reason, these colds usually turn into double ear infections. Along with these ear infections comes a massive amount of green, yellow and sometimes gray snot.  When I say massive, I mean it seems like part of their frontal lobe comes out every time they sneeze.  I can hear a sneeze from 4 rooms over and know I need to immediately get a tissue S.T.A.T. before the snots are consumed. POOF!

At the first sign of one of these nasty colds, I would love to wave that magic wand and make them go away.  This would avoid all the crusty faces, having to use my sleeve to wipe boogs in a pinch, having to constantly sanitize every surface and every toy.  It would avoid getting kicked out of the daycare at the gym 20 minutes into my workout because they had to wipe his nose 3 times.  It would avoid having to cancel play dates and birthday parties as to not infect other children even though it is fairly likely that they got the cold from daycare or Chuckie Cheese to begin with. It would also save having to go to the doctor where I have to prevent my 2 kids from tearing the place apart, pay a $20 co-pay each time, followed by a $15 antibiotic which may or may not work in which case the kid has to stay on a steady dose of amoxicillin for 3 months. Then wait for both Tom and I get the same bug and end up at the doctor.  $40 more bucks in co-pay and $30 more for antibiotics for each of us. Frickin' POOF!

OK, now on to more important matter besides snot.  Cleaning the house.  Let's start with the pets.  I think my last posting pretty much explained what a mess they make, but let's just give a brief rundown.  Dog shit in the backyard, Poof.  Litter box, Poof. Dog pukes, Poof. Cat spits up a hairball, Poof. Dog hair, Poof. Dog slobber on my couch, Poof.  Mud tracked in from outside along with mulch, grass, leaves, etc. POOF!

Then we can move on to cleaning the rest of the house.  Loading and unloading the dishwasher has to be one of my least favorite things.  I know what you are thinking.  "Hey, lady! You have a machine that washes your dishes for you!  Quit your bitchin'" I don't care.  It is the bain of my existence and I feel like the movie "Groundhog Day" because of that damn machine.  Rinse dishes, scrub caked on cheese off plates, load it up, run it. Then, before it even hits the heated dry, I have another sink full of dishes. Take apart sippy cups, put them back together, and look for little straws that fell out of their "cage" during the rinse cycle.  On and on and on.  POOF!

The refrigerator and all the disgusting things that ends up crusting and caking in there. POOF!
Mopping the floor. POOF!
Cleaning the grime off the stove. POOF!
Cleaning the microwave especially the day after we have lasagna and it gets heated up. POOF!
Wiping the fingerprints off the front of our stainless steel refrigerator. POOF!
Items to go out for recycling on the counter. POOF!
Random business cards, coupons, pens, sunglasses, loose change, power cords, and mail on the counter. POOF!
Coffeemaker grounds. POOF!
Food caked on the chairs, booster seat, and walls. POOF! POOF! and POOF!
Wow, this is fun.

Let's clean up some toys!  It is the end of the day, or the beginning.  I guess it is all the same when you have two tornadoes living in your house and the minute they wake up they start unloading bins of toys, pulling out games with little pieces, throwing plastic food around the house.  We don't have a basement or a toy room, so lucky for us the living room is our toy room.  Maybe one of these days the housing market will pick up and we can actually afford to sell this house and buy a bigger one.  Hmmm.  Wonder if the magic wand could help with that?  Never mind.  In the meantime, I think it handle some smaller tasks.

I'd start by building some nice shelving and storage units. POOF!  With enough room for all of Colin's trucks, bulldozers, tractors, fire trucks, garbage trucks, Chuck the Truck, etc., etc.  Then I'd create a wardrobe closet for all the princess dresses with cubbies for all the princess shoes.  Then I’d create a bin for balls of all sizes.  And with a wave of my magic wand all would go from being strewn about my floor to their rightful bins.

Then on to all those little toys.  I have two words for you.  POLLY frickin' POCKETS. OK, that's three, but those little bitches and their tiny rubber dresses, shoes and purses that my son likes to eat like candy drive me crazy! POOF!

Puzzle pieces, Match Game cards, Candyland pieces, Let's Go Fishing fish, EleFun butterflies, every pot and pan and plastic piece of food and fork and knife and pretend donut.  Teacups and saucers, necklaces, bracelets and those Godforsaken Silly Bands. POOF!

I wouldn't have to worry about those pesky missing items I am always searching for. Where is that last library book that is due today?  POOF!  There it is!  Where are my keys so we can get out the door and to school in time? POOF!  Cell phone? I think you know what comes next.

One of my other all-time favorite activities, laundry, would be a snap. Separate whites from darks, POOF! Remember to spray pesky food stains on the front of shirts, POOF! Fold laundry, POOF! Match socks, POOF!  Put it all back in the drawers, POOF! Changing sheets, especially crib sheet and Maddie's bed where you need to carb load before the workout you get moving furniture, lifting mattresses and schlepping 101 stuffed animals in and out of the bed.  POOF!

Vacuuming, I mean really vacuuming where ALL the dirt, hair and crumbs come up and not the kind of vacuuming where you could vacuum 30 seconds later and get just as much dirt, hair and crumbs as the first time. POOF!  Crumbs in between the cushions on the couch, POOF!

I think it goes without saying that cleaning the bathrooms should be included especially all those damn water stains that all the CLR and bleach cannot get rid of.  Do I even need to mention toilets, floors, and cleaning drains? POOF!

Finally, I would do a little work on myself.  Besides, what kind of princess would allow herself to go without a little pampering?  I'd start with an eyebrow wax, a hair trim, teeth whitening and about a little help with those dark circles under the eyes? POOF!  Then, turning my sagging barely "B's" into some perky "C's, " a little tuck for that extra "pooch" on my stomach I affectionately refer to as my "valances." Then, I'd eliminate that cellulite that I collected in college from too much fried food and beer that, along with Student Loans, I am still paying for.

Ooh! Speaking of Student Loans...POOF!

I suppose if I just went back to my original fantasy of winning the Lottery, I could just buy a bigger house, and shelving units, a maid to clean up all the above mentioned, pay for a boob job and a tummy tuck and pay off all those Student Loans.  But let's be honest, being a princess with a wand would be so much more fun especially if I could do it all in a beautiful princess gown. POOF!


  1. I am SO with you on all that. I have half your work but I DREAD, just DREAD unloading and turning around to reload the dishwasher EVERY freaking DAY! It is like groundhog day, everyday when you are a stay at home Mom. Esp. with the three meals for Cole, three bottles, 2 snacks; it makes me SO sick of wiping up his tray and floor all those times. Then of course he drools nonstop so we go through our 30 bibs in a bout 3 days! Ugh, I feel ya!

  2. I think you should consider writing an article for the local newspaper, or even a popular magazine - Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, etc. Your perspective and writing skills are really very good!