Saturday, March 26, 2011

What's Grosser Than Gross?

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you may be wondering why so many of my entries center around less than savoury topics.  They may leave you throwing up a little in your mouth and wonder why on earth I would decide to share these stories?  If I wanted my stories to be less "disgusting," I'd have to write about someone else's life. Just when I thought I had shared the worst of my booger, piss, shit, vomit stories, things got grosser.

My goal, as a Stay At Home Mom, is to try and keep my kids occupied.  I don't want them camped out in front of the TV.  I don't want them wreaking too much havoc on the house and destroying things. I don't want Colin to scale the pantry shelves or pour salt on the kitchen table and then lick it up.  In the winter, this can be a great challenge.  Most days we head to the gym because the kids can run around in the daycare and interact with other kids.  They have a ton of toys, a giant tube structure with slides, arts and crafts, computers and a basketball court.  We usually grab a snack on the way out and either head home or run some errands.  Other times we stick around and go swimming in their indoor pool.  Other days we head to the library or another favorite is going to Burger King where they have a playland.

Tuesday was a pretty rainy, dreary day and I knew we really didn't have much going on.  I thought it would be a good day to head to Burger King so they could run around a little more. I invited my friend to join us figuring she might be in the same boat with her two year old.

We manage to eat our lunch outside the play area, knowing full well if we bring our food in their it will never get eaten.  The kids start playing and initially Colin drives his new truck, courtesy of his kid's meal, around the floor.  Eventually he makes his way up into the rest of the structure, which lucky for me he can maneuver pretty well on his own now.  Some of the other kids that are there start to leave and it is now just my kids and my friend's son.  She and I are chatting and I look up to see Colin with something in his hand and it looks like he is starting to put it in his mouth.  Upon closer look, I realize he is drinking out of a rogue chocolate milk that did not belong to him.  I crawl up through the play zone as fast as I can and nearly take all the skin off my back squeezing through one of the openings.  The damage was done.  I can't even begin to imagine how long that milk has been up there. I look at what was left and it isn't sour, so that's a plus.  One of the BK employees laughs and asks where he found it.  He assures me the oldest it could be was from this morning since they clean and sanitize it every night.  Oh, whew!  Chances are it was only about 3 hours old!  GREAT!  Ample time for strep throat organisms to multiply nicely!  That's gross.

Wanna know what's grosser than gross?  Listen to this. 

The next day was a swimming day.  I have to admit, I am not a big fan of taking the kids swimming.  First of all, I don't really like the water.  To quote Martin Short, "I'm not a strong swimmer." I also have to be on high alert the whole time we are there so neither of the kids drowns since Colin is fearless and has been known to just put his head in the water and start doing the doggy paddle towards the deep end.  The amount of work that goes into to getting the kids ready to go swimming for a half hour is downright exhausting.  I usually put Maddie's swim suit on under her clothes when we get ready in the morning, so that is one less step I have to take in getting them ready.  With Colin, I have to put a swim diaper on him.  As I am changing him, he pees on the floor.  I rush to move my running shoes and his swim suit that are in the path. Unfortunately, he manages to get some on his swim suit.  Oh well, that's what chlorine is for, right?  I collect our swim toys which consists of a cup, a bulldozer, a race car and a Mater bath toy.  Each time we go swimming, Colin manages to steal other kids toys.  I started off bringing balls, and he stole some kid's car.  The next time I brought a car, he stole another kids truck.  The next time, he stole a bulldozer, so you get the picture.  While we are swimming, Maddie has to pee and I have to drag the two kids into the bathroom soaking wet for her to go.  Once that is done we have about 10 minutes left to swim before adult swim starts and that was our cue to go home and eat lunch.

Then, there's getting them dressed again after we go swimming.  They are slippery and I have a harder time catching them.  I worry they will fall on the tile near the pool or in the locker room. The locker room has got to be the worst. Every surface is either tile or granite or some sort of split-your-head open-concussion inducing material.  As I am battling to get all our stuff out of the locker, Colin is usually climbing up on a stone bench and running up and down it.  This time, he runs toward the door to the pool, which I now know he can push open.  If I turn my back for a second, he could be doing laps in the lap pool that is only 4 feet from the locker room door. I finally get him to stay in the locker room and he goes for some woman's hair straightener that is plugged in when I move that out of his way, he goes for the open outlet next to it.  I am pretty sure if there is a place that defies all childproofing laws, this is it.

I take the kids into the changing rooms that also have a stone bench and a shower. The door to the changing room has a handle that Colin can easily open, so there is usually a good chance he will fling the door open while I am half naked.  Did I mention it is a family locker room?  They won't allow you to bring opposite sex children in the women's locker room.  When Colin isn't exposing me to the man and his 3 year old daughter standing outside our changing room, he is in the shower trying to lick water off the floor.  Yes, while most people wear flip flops to prevent getting a disease from these very floors, my son is licking them.  I grab him and try to keep him from going in there, but the shower curtain doesn't really provide much assistance. 

On this particular day, I decide to give the kids showers at they gym so I wouldn't have to worry about it when I got home or do it later that night since Tom was out of town and I already would have my hands full at bedtime.  We get in the changing room/shower and I strip the kids down and put them in the shower.  Everything was going smoothly until Colin crouches down and starts to drink the water off the floor again.
Before I could grab him again I notice what quite possibly could be THE most disgusting moments of my life as a mom, actually of my life EVER.  Colin is dropping a deuce on the shower floor.  I immediately grab him, rinse him off and get everyone out of the shower.  Oh...MY....GOD.  I start to panic as I rinse his business down the drain grabbing handfuls of soap from the dispenser on the wall in the shower and throw it down on the floor.  I certainly hope it is antibacterial.  I should have known better.  He has been known to do this at home, but I have the necessary tools to clean up his mess, including a toilet right next to the tub to flush!  I also hoped no one outside the changing room hears me say, "Oh no, Colin!  Did you poo on the floor?"  Then they would know for sure what I was doing in there and I just wanted to die.  You know that awful feeling that despite the fact you just got out of the shower, you are sweating profusely?  That, mixed with the feeling like I might yak.  Luckily I get my whits about me before I have another mess to clean up.

Unfortunately, my diaper bag is in the locker outside the changing room.  With no other option, I grab a towel and try to clean up his back side.  Unfortunately, it wasn't "a clean break."  At this point, I start to realize what risks I take on a daily basis using public showers and public towels at the gym.  Lord knows what other people do with them if this is what I am doing.

I finally get everyone dressed and out of the changing room/shower and quickly rinse the towel off to avoid putting a skid-marked towel in the dirty towel bin.  I'm sure they've seen worse, but I don't want to be "one of those people." I scrub my hands until they practically bleed, dry Maddie's hair as well as my own and pack up our wet suits, wet toys, my sweaty gym clothes and whatever other stuff we usually schlep around with us.  I run out of there so fast, and just want to get home to take another shower.

I guess this is just another thing we do as mothers for the sake of our children.  Despite this experience, I will still take the kids swimming again because they really do enjoy it.  However, I will NEVER again step foot in that locker room without a pair of flip flops and my own towels and I suggest you all do the same.

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