Bye-Bye, Baby!

Well, we made it.  As of today, Colin will no longer be a two-year old. (Audible Sigh)

After a year of biting, kicking, evil-boy antics, poopy talk, destruction and general unruly behavior, I am happy to say Colin made it to his third birthday without me selling him to the gypsies. Of course, I have this lingering--or not-so lingering thought--that the real trouble has only begun.

In the last few weeks, Colin has shifted into full-force trouble mode and I’m not sure if is his swansong as a two-year old or the beginning of a whole new realm of T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  Let’s start with the knives…

A few weeks ago, Tom was with the kids while I was teaching my early-morning cycle class.  Usually the kids hang in our room and watch T.V. with Tom before coming down for breakfast.  Colin likes to head down and grab a snack from the pantry and bring it up to nosh on while he watches his morning cartoons.  He had gone down and was gone for too long and was too quiet when Tom sent Maddie down to check out what he was doing.  She came running back up immediately and announced, “Ummm, Dad?  Colin is in BIG TROUBLE.”  Tom bound out of the bed and down the stairs (wish I’d been a fly on the wall for that one!) and found Colin coming up the stairs with two steak knives in his hands pointing outward.  Tom promptly removed the knives from his hands and hid them along with every other knife in that was tucked in the way back of our silverware drawer.

He has continued his love for sharp objects more recently when he came down stairs and stood in front of me with something held behind his back and gave be a cunning smile.  He pulled his hand from behind his back to reveal Tom’s razor and then gave me a maniacal laugh.  I chased him down—clearly a risky challenge--and had to find a safe place for the razor.

In addition to his love of weaponry, he has decided to take up running and I don’t mean 5k’s.  He is exercising his independence by running away from me whenever he has a chance.  Whether it is to escape into Maddie’s dance class, the parking lot or Sears.  A few weeks ago we stopped at Sears to pick up a water filter for the fridge and he decided to escape down the aisles of the Sears appliance department, then the electronics, then the lawn and garden section, ladies bathing suits, jewelry department and back around to the bedding department.  The whole time I chased him in my wedge sandals proving that there really is no reason for me to ever dress in anything but yoga pants and my New Balance running shoes.

I get my workout every morning I take Maddie to school when he escapes while I help her get her backpack and jacket hung up and hands washed.  By the time I am finished I usually find him in the church attached to the school on the altar trying to play the drums that are set up.  In my effort to track him down one day, I went straight for the church yelling his name only to be greeted by the Pastor trying to set up for chapel.  I was relieved that Colin wasn’t in there doing his best Animal impersonation, but it also left me explaining why I was screaming like a banshee in a sacred place.  Eventually I just apologized, hung my head and turned on my heels to seek out my little trouble-maker. 

Now that we’ve covered sharp objects, percussion and endurance sports, lets move on to his quite simply making mega messes.  He is now into Legos, which means I keep finding those Goddamn little things all over the house and usually dug into my foot causing paralyzing side effects.  These are definitely giving the Polly-Pockets a run for their money as my least favorite toy.

And the mess doesn’t end there.  Every time I make popcorn for the kids, I can bet on my life that he will purposely dump half the bowl out all over the floor and as soon as I vacuum up every last kernel, he does it again.  He also enjoys filling cups of water and dumping them wherever he pleases.  The other day, he trotted into the kitchen, over to the dispenser at the fridge and helped himself to a cup of water.  I was actually thinking how nice it is that he can do more himself now until I heard the sound of water spilling.  I went into the other room and found he had dumped his entire cup of water onto the ottoman.

But the piece de resistance was the other day when I let the kids in the backyard after lunch while I was finishing cleaning up.  Within five minutes he was back in the house informing me that he had stepped in dog poop.  I was annoyed with myself for not remembering to pick it up before they went out there, but it slipped my mind.  As I approached Colin to remove his shoes I caught a whiff and knew immediately this wasn’t your usual run-of-the-mill dog poops incident.  He was covered from heel to head in dog poop.  I immediately stripped him down and promptly threw out everything he had been wearing including the shoes.  I had no desire to salvage a pair of shoes that were $17 at Target.  Once I cleaned him up, I went outside to check out the scene and found that the entire slide was smeared with poop.  I still couldn’t quite figure out how he accomplished this epic display of disgustingness and rather than even attempt to figure it out, I got the hose and started hosing down the entire swing set along with Colin’s Lightening McQueen umbrella that appeared to be his accomplice in the crime.

And to think, my days of picking up poop and pee are only beginning as we start the potty training process.  Colin isn’t really on board with the whole idea. In fact, he thinks that it will involve riding “The Potty Train” as opposed to learning to use the toilet.  We have started having him go pee each night before he goes to bed mainly because he usually leaks right through his nighttime Pull-up.  (he is too big for diapers!)  Of course, he thinks it is funny to point his wiener at Maddie and threaten to pee on her.  It doesn’t help that she thinks this is hilarious and eggs him on.

I put underwear on him a few weeks ago hoping it would entice him to use the potty.  He was intrigued by the opening in the front and before I knew it he had himself exposed and was doing a “Pee-Pee Dance” that even had me cracking up despite my better parenting judgment.  I wanted so bad to video-record it, but knew it was just too inappropriate even if we never showed it to anyone.  Eventually, he forgot he had the underwear and proceeded to take a leak in his bin of cars and trucks.  Good thing I was planning on sanitizing that bin of toys anyway.

So, I’m not sure what the next year has to offer, but I can only hope that I can keep up and at the very least shave some time off my mile.